Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
someone owes me an orgasm
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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