Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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