She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
