I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
