Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
