My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i drank out of a bidet.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
