Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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