i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
