I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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