my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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