Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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