you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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