his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
