I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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