it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He kissed a someone with a penis
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
