I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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