guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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