he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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