you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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