dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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