hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
