I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
