Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
