Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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