I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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