i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
