i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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