everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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