Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
well you can't waste a boner
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
