Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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