life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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