I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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