Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
