these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
