i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
