I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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