There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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