I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
