i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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