She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize