Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
