Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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