I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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