No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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