every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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