eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
