She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
