glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
