its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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