Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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