you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
