How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
