i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
