I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
