The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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