Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
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Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
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The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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